Home Stretch

Let us take a moment to appreciate the incredible presence of my unbridled hope and optimism for the future. This year is going to be a good one.

Currently I am sitting in my fragrant backyard, watching my silly dogs run around, enjoying the perfectly breezy 75 degrees, listening to an awesome new band, and blogging. What a spectacular afternoon. The sadness of dropping my sister off at the airport is stifled by the cautious knowledge that I may get to see her again very soon. My social nerves are calmed by an amazing night with fun friends. My fear over The House has been postponed after meeting Handsome Housemate and his gaggle of hilarious friends. The House isn't ideal, but I think it will be a lot of fun.

Also, I see myself a little more mature, and able to conduct myself in the ways I feel appropriate. You know, like having self respect, and.... standards. My party girl days aren't over...just reinvented. And I can't wait.

I can't wait to be Designer Jeans' friend again. And to hang out with his friends, who are hilarious, and fun, and smart and respectable! People like that exist?

I am excited to be challenged. To push myself to be a smarter, better, more loving person. To serve my society.

I am excited to be surrounded by more than 39 other people my age. To have options.

I am excited to busy. To be running from here to there, studying, working, volunteering, and dancing.

I am excited to be welcomed home.

Seriously though. Listen to Vampire Weekend!

Last Day

Today was my last day at The Job! Hallelujah! My experience wasn't a bad one, I met some nice people and learned a lot about why I am going back to school. I had a lot of freedom and was paid well, so all in all, not a bad summer job. That said: no more retail for a while.

I have started my new job search, and oh how I wish The School would post it's on campus jobs soon! I applied for a few job I found in the database that sound bearable, we will see how it turns out.

I have so far made enough money to pay my parents back entirely, with enough left to last me, oh I don't know, a month's worth of goceries. If that. I am really blessed to have parents who take care of me.

Why I thought I couldn't do Calculus:

thanks xkcd

How much does ambition cost?

Here are a few of the 2008 Rhodes Scholar's:

Benjamin M. Eidelson, Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, is a senior at Yale majoring in
philosophy and political science. Elected as a junior to Phi Beta Kappa and winner of Yale’s
Lyman Prize, he won the North American Parliamentary Debate Championship as well as
academic prizes in English, humanities, writing and public health. He has a number of
published articles in legal and medical publications, and interned in the Newark Mayor’s
office. Benjamin plans to do the B.Phil. in philosophy at Oxford.

Clara L. Blättler, Brookline, is a Harvard senior majoring in earth and planetary sciences.
Harvard record-holder and Ivy League champion in the women’s pole vault, violinist in two
Harvard orchestras, and a pianist, Clara has done extensive research and field work in geology and chemical oceanography in South America, Africa and Europe. She has also studied at the Goethe Institute in Berlin. Clara plans to do the M.Sc. by Research in earth sciences at Oxford.

Andrew S. Hammond, Washington, DC, is a 2007 graduate of The University of Chicago in
political science. He is now a fellow at the Center of the Study of Social Policy in
Washington, DC. A Truman Scholar, he wrote his thesis on Youth Policy, and has written
extensively on issues relating to poverty, and children in poverty. He was director of the
student ACLU chapter and editorial editor of his college newspaper. He has also written two
children’s plays that have been performed, and has won an award for his opera singing. He
plans to do the M.Phil. in comparative social policy at Oxford.

Caitlin O'Malley is a senior at University of Portland majoring in History and German with an emphasis on education. She only recently started taking her education seriously and has since been winning all sorts of highly esteemed rewards from her parents. Mostly in the form of clothing. She spends her summers making the general population of Olmpia happier about their purchases, and frequently plunges them further into credit card debt. She once volunteered for her church, in high school. Her artistic strength shines through her obvious other lack of athleticism. She is a respected member of the studio where she has danced her entire life, because of her personality, not talent. She plans on finding a husband at Oxford.

JUST KIDDING! I want to be a rhodes scholar! Hmm, where to start?

I am what your youth group warned you about.

I have no shame in admitting that I am a "cafeteria Catholic." It is an analogy used to dissuade members of the church from simply picking and choosing different theological doctrines, like one would pass up salad for macaroni. But I think that is exactly what one should do. Yes we have a Pope and he knows everything yada yada yada. BUT simply excepting something as important and life giving as what is TRUTH ITSELF solely because it came from Il Papa is, to quote Pride and Prejudice, "positively medieval."

The Church by no means warns against independent thought. In contrast there is actually a built in step for young Catholics called Confirmation where they actually get to decide whether they want to become an adult in the eyes of The Church. I just think that my faith means nothing unless it is all my own. I can, of course, learn from others, but if it doesn't make sense to me after praying about it, and I can't fit it in to my worldview, is it horrible that I just let it go?

I have absolutely no idea why I am blogging about this. Maybe I want to prove to myself that even though I live like the rest of American society, I do really love Jesus, I do pray, and I do try to do good. Maybe my form of good is quietly loving and accepting those around me instead of continually convincing them that their way of life is wrong. I don't think it is. Love another man, what do I care? Just because I want to save myself for my husband (ha! like I will ever get married... I may want to rethink this one) doesn't mean I think sex is bad. I really don't. It sounds fun.

Maybe it's not that my beliefs are so far from the institution's, they really aren't. I just can't seem to give a damn whether other people agree with me.

Here is my conundrum: (I have been having this conundrum ever since Ethics class first semester of last year. Thanks Alexander.) What good is having a moral code if it doesn't apply to others? Don't you live your life in a way you believe is best and shouldn't it logically follow that others live their life in a similar way?

Am I bad at religion because I relate better with those against is? (not this douche bag. He is just plain rude. I don't listen to rude people.) Why do the Catholic blogs I subscribe to make me uncomfortable? I mean I love mass and Jesus and all that jazz, but all your talk about abortion makes me nervous. I am an adult in the Church I love. I just feel like I don't really belong and I can't tell if it's because I need to change, or if it is a non-issue. I still have my rosary and isn't that just as important?

If anyone reads this (besides my sister) and has any shreds of wisdom or can pass the link on to the wise person who blogs that I only imagine exists and have yet to find who can answer all of my questions, that would be very much appreciated.

Obama's Speech in Berlin:

I watched the whole speech on You Tube and this was my train of thought:

ooo nice vague generalizations
uh huh uh huh we love Berlin
what about Berlin BEFORE the cold war?? not necessary to mention?
look at all those people! I wish I got to visit Berlin. Oh well, have to go back! Man I want a Fulbright...
hope freedom democracy tell me something I don't already know
he kinda sounds like Martin Luther King Jr.
maybe this is one of those speeches whose purpose was to be constantly quoted? "ask not what your country... yada yada yada"
hmm this is actually kind of a nice idea
YES!!! nuclear proliferation!
oh. my. god. I am being inspired. So help me God.
Yes I love America too! Oh we do have so much potential!
I want to go back to Austria and speak German. He so should have put some German in there. "Wie Ghets Kurdistan?"

The Other Barista

He is new. We will call him Dreds. Yesterday he gave me a free (rather disgusting) drink, today he complimented my hair and asked me to a movie.

Hmm. This is interesting.

He could have genuinely wanted to go on a date or he could just be looking to make friends in town.

Either way really.

Smile.

OMG VACAY!!!

I have just completed my first day back from vacation. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't friends, adventures, sun, parties, majestic views, or self-fulfilment either.

I can't believe that a place as beautiful as the Columbia River Gorge is only three hours away from Olympia! A year of exploring Europe has sparked me to explore what is not so far away, and man have I found some cool things.

At the end of my freshman year of college I was figuring things out, and unfortunately I figured that I hadn't made very many meaningful relationships in college (aside from Designer Jeans of course). So I drove to Idaho to see my best friend of all time as a chorus member in Oaklahoma. The 5 hour drive home took me through the Gorge. I remember that driving away from Man Dawg (best friend since third grade) and toward UP made me feel so desolate. The lush green hills and biblical river inspired poetry of the lonely and lost. I called Designer Jeans and said, "Hey man, you are my only friend at UP. I hope that is ok with you." He said, of course Cate! You know I love you. And I left for home the minute I finished my last final.

Well this visit to the Gorge was different. I was with wonderful friends and even met some new ones. Man how I love these girls. I can be myself around them without even trying. We are like sisters, except that we like each other more than some people like their sisters. Home and happiness are entirely defined by people. I am so greatful to Salzburg because I met the loves of my life!

I even got to see Designer Jeans for the first time in a year while we were in P-Town. And everything was the same. He was still hilarious, we still joked rather inappropriately, we still had tons of fun together, he is still one of my best friends.

Next year is going to be good, let me tell you. I walked around campus for a few minutes on my way back to Olympia, just to reaquaint myself, and I didn't feel like a stranger. I actually felt like I belonged in this place. And as I passed the (ghetto) library my mind was filled with romantic images of slaving over papers, falling behind on my reading, listening to lectures, and using my brain. Oh college, do I really have to be finished in 2 years?

It feels good to have something to look forward to. Bring it on universe!

Being 19, almost 20

One of the coolest parts about being my age is my ever-changing worldview. When I was a kid I'm not sure I ever pondered anything, and the main things on my mind were either how to get out of chores or how to get my family's attention. I imagine that as I get older my mind will be filled with other things, like how to pay the bills or get Sally to like math.

But right now, I am creating a world. I am in the middle of putting together all of my experiences to create a world that makes sense. Sense. As in I understand what is happening around me and the motivations of the people/governments/society I am a part of.

So here is what is on my mind right now, after a long day at The Job, missing Mama Bear, watching This American Life (love ya Ira!) and War of the World.

• When managing employees: SIMPLE MANNERS WILL GET YOU VERY FAR. Dearest Bitchy Manager: I totally would have stayed until close had you ASKED (not told) me, then thanked me for my obviously huge self giving sacrifice. Puh-leees.


• Why is post world war two history neglected in almost every history (American and European) course I have ever taken? Is it because the 20 million lives that were lost in the latter half of the century aren't Western lives, but third world lives? Why don't we care about poor people? Is genocide more excusable when the language of the commiters isn't one taught in American high schools?


• I want to marry a foreigner like the girl on This American Life. What a way to spice things up, right?


• What economic system will prove to be the successor of capitalism when China kicks our ass and we can no longer afford to water our lawns and power our hobby vehicles? Will I ever be able to afford a house?


• Some people are just stupid. And mean. Hopefully not both.


• I need to do more good. Like Ty and his crew on Extreme Home Makeover. Love that show. Cry every time.

Tall Glass of Water

Ok. Today was a good day.

Corporate came down for a full store inspection at The Job. Didn't effect me much because, well let's be honest, I don't give a shit about my job.

BUT two exciting things did happen:
1.) The Barista is back! About freakin' time.
2.) My Tall Glass of Water wants to hang out.

I wont worry about the fact that the two exciting parts of the day are both boy related until I'm in a more feminist mood. One must remember that the most mental activity I get daily involves retail, aka: how to bullshit my way out of this one. What can I say, I love to think about the boys.

Tall Glass of Water (once called that by an elderly customer.. anyone know what that means?) is in fact tall. And skinny. Just like I like 'em. He is an awkward, gangly, carrot top whose gums are longer than his teeth. But what do I care? He has fascinated me (not in a creepy, stalker way) since my first day at The Job. I don't quite know where this is going, or whether I'm down for the ride, but I do know that he makes me laugh.

And he asked me out today :)

The Barista was also happy to see me and kept smiling at me. Some days are just better for the self-esteem than others. I can't wait to see where all this leads.

In other news: Mama Bear has left the den. She is off in Denver being important and I miss her. Papa Bear and I are doing ok on our own, but the puppies sure miss her. Gus seems to think that I am his personal popsicle and I do NOT approve. I am proud of her. I hear her in my head daily (any job big or small, do it right or not at all) and I hope to someday become half the woman she is. Just half.

Dance is going ok. I'm already irritating myself with the unreasonable assumptions that I should already have all my moves back. Oh but I love trying.

My dad said the nicest thing to me today. He said that if I ever wanted to open my own studio and be a professional dance teacher that I could go to him for finances. When I pointed out that he doesn't have that kind of money he said, "We would make it work."

I have the best parents in the world. They want the world for us girls, and they mean it. I am often in awe of my incredible blessings.

Happy birthday America, let's shop!

Today is our country's 232 birthday, so what better way to celebrate than to shop! How typically American, really. This of course means that I had to work at The Job.


It was ok for these reasons.

• I got to wear jeans and sneakers= Insta good mood.


• My parents met me for lunch= Something to look forward to.


• Interesting conversations with the Tall Glass of Water (skinny red-headed associate who was once referred to as a "tall glass of water" by a customer)= a few exciting jitters.

After work I came home to a delicious meal with Mama Bear and Papa Bear. I was a little bummed about not having any friend related 4th of July plans when I got a text from DJ Tall (a Salzburg friend) inviting me to a firework gathering in Fife.

Yes. I have to drive to Fife to have a friend.

We had a good time, just shooting the breeze and watching boys try to kill themselves. DJ Tall is a good guy, and I'm lucky to have him as a friend. I mean hey, we went to Budapest together!

I remember past 4th of July's when I used to watch my Olympia boys try to kill themselves. You know, back when I had friends in Olympia. I am fully aware that it's the time in my life for high school friends to fade into the background. While I would instantly spend time with those in town and not hesitate to refer to them as friends, they never call and I stopped trying a while ago. What is disconcerting is that no one else seems to be going though this. I am most at home with my Salzburg friends, and without them I am lonely. But they seem to be doing fine at home, plenty of people to see, beer to drink, and parties to crash. That was my life last summer. Before Salzburg. Before we all split up and went our separate ways. And man do I love my life. It's just a little lonely right now. Are they lonely without Salzburg too?

It will only get worse on Monday. The dreaded day Mama Bear leaves.

Fish Bash

After five nights of family fun in flat Nebraska I am home. It was a wonderful trip. My dad is the oldest of 7 and has about as many cousins as I do. Last weekend we were all there. It was incredible. I am a member of a clan, and I like it that way. With about 66 attendees I was surrounded by people. No, not just people, family. Plenty of little ones to play with, cousins to laugh with, adults to learn from, and elders to love.


Fish Bash is a celebration of togetherness, and what better way than to tap a keg? We are Irish and we behave accordingly. I don't mind it, no one gets hurt so what if we get a little tipsy-turvy? Oh and I have nothing to worry about. I do NOT have an alcohol problem.


The hi-light of my weekend occurred during the annual Tavern Tour. Tavern Tour is exactly what it sounds like, the entire clan sets out to explore the bar offerings of the town nearest our campsite. This years led us to the Thunderhead Brewery and the Chicken Coop. High class places if Keno is your thing. Anyways, after all the family pictures were taken my grandma announced that she had something she wanted to say. It took a minute to quiet all the beer heightened voices. Then finally, wine goblet in hand, Grandma said, "I only have three words to say. I. love. you. And I feel sorry for anybody that doesn't have a family like ours."



I about cried. I love you too Grandma.

Here I am with the coolest 80 year old I know.

And here is my lovely family. All four of us, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, Koprime, and little ol' redheaded me. I am so happy and fulfilled when I am playing the role of daughter/cousin/niece/grandchild. Even though I'm not best friends with all of my cousins, it's wonderful to know I have the common experience of being an O'Malley to share with hundreds of someones.

It's so simple and so clear. People have known this since biblical times. Family is everything.

Well, now I'm back at The Job, spending my lonely days by myself, and wondering how it ever came to be that I wish I was in flat, boring, cornfield covered, Nebraska.

Modern Ruined My Pedicure

Two days, five dance classes, two hours of yoga, and one long shift in women's shoes.
My body is exhausted and doesn't get to rest. Tomorrow (more accurately tonight) at 3 am we have to leave for the airport. Apparently the only way to get to Lincoln, NE on Thursday was to leave at o-dark thirty and fly through Denver. Balls.

Anyways, my body is going to be sore. Right now I am fresh out of the bath and just a touch stiff, but oh tomorrow (tonight? 3am?) my joints will be feeling all this dancing. I have been working out for over a month and dancing for all of two days, and I feel a little more like my old self. Honestly, it's probably the outfit. I probably stand a little taller because of the leotard. And I look skinnier because I am sucking my stomach in, most likely because I'm in a ROOM OF MIRRORS.

Nevertheless I am the happiest girl west of the Mississippi. That is until I go a little closer to the Mississippi. Then, who knows.

The reason for my midnight travels lies in the little town of Grand Island, Nebraska. Where over 50 of my family members are meeting to celebrate my Grandma's 80th birthday. And to drink beer. It's a yearly tradition and we call it "Fish Bash." We haven't gone fishing since I was in 4th grade, but that's not important.

When my cousin Thomas was born with severe down syndrome the 6 O'Malley brothers all came together to take my uncle camping. The next year my Aunt joined them. They decided that family was too important to only get together for weddings or funerals so they made it a tradition. And we have been camping the third weekend of June ever since. I'm pretty lucky to be part of such a cool (huge) family. Even if they do drink a lot of beer :)

PS- While I am traveling to the land of corn, The Barista is on his way to Mexico. We had a good chat today, it was fun!

I'm taking dance tomorrow.

Tap! And maybe even Ballet.

I am so excited.

Perhaps it will be what I am looking for... you know, the piece of the puzzle that will make this summer feel whole.

Probably not though. Nobody ever finds those pieces, because it's the search that drives us.

Drive on sisters.

The Barista

For the record: I am not lonely. I don't enjoy how much I dream of a date, in fact, I hate that about myself. Meh, oh well. I am a product of my Disney-Princess-Happy-Ending upbringing.

In the lazy days of summer, miles away from my best friends in the world, and on opposite schedules of my two friends still in town, I have a lot of down time. This makes it so that the majority of people I have daily contact with are people from The Job, and my "friends" at Bucky's. I call them friends, but I only know a few names. And I would be lying to you if I told you I would go everyday regardless of the presence of The Barista.

Oh, The Barista. How I love him so. He speaks Spanish with his Spanish-speaking customers and I'm a sucker for foreign languages. I really want to be good at one (just one!) someday, therefore his fluency just adds to his hotness. He is adorably interesting and I think we made progress today. Let me describe to you the scene.

Imagine: your everyday mall Starbucks, cheesy music, green aprons, and an incredibly long line of frappuccino thirsting people. The Barista sees me, smiles hello (does he look happy to see me?), takes the drink orders of the people in front of me and finally says, "Coffee?"
"Just a tall today, thanks."
My spot is taken. Most of the seats at the counter are taken. I sit at an empty table and dive into my Arab-Israeli Reader while they take care of the rush. Finally my spot is open, I settle into the comfy cushions triumphantly and look up to find myself making direct eye contact with The Barista. I smile, he smiles back.
"I got my spot."
"I'm glad."
"How are you today?"
"Oh not bad. Busy"
(I know, what a deep and meaningful conversation)
Later he comes out with his little broom and dustpan and starts sweeping the rather clean floor. He comes over by my chair, sweeps once right under my feet and says:
"I got that one crumb"
I, like always, desperate for conversation, ask if I can put my stirrer in his little garbage thing. He says yes.
(This is the good stuff)
He stops and looks like he is about to say something but can't come up with anything.
I look up at him from my chair and just chuckle. He laughs back. Oh he has a precious smile.

The small pleasures of life. Maybe one day he will ask me what I am doing after work.

If not, my Tall Glass of Water might.

Just another day on the campaign trail in 1992.

I like to realize that my somewhat lazy summer days are not entirely wasted when I can write out what (little) good they have done me. So here goes:

• Shining shoes is actually really fun and a good way to waste (whoops, I mean WORK) for a good half of an hour between customers.
• The Death of Yugoslavia (thanks kottke!) is the most interesting film I have seen all summer. And I went to Sex and the City. On opening weekend.
• Starbucks espresso is not as good as the rest of their coffee.
• I look forward to seeing the Starbucks people more than I do most of my co-workers. Maybe I should work at Buckys?
• I have a shoe problem. It's genetic.
• A quick rosary in the morning starts my day off like a full-blown breakfast would, were I to ever eat breakfast.
• Seeing people you barely know is EVEN MORE AWKWARD at the gym.
• We have got ourselves a regular UN at The Job. My coworkers range from American to Mexican to Bosnian to German, to Brazilian to all sorts of unclassifiable Asian. And I live in the Pacific Northwest. Diversity for us is "I saw a black person today... on TV."

And finally, the kicker of ALL KICKERS! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME IF THIS IS TRUE!

John McCain called his wife a cunt in 1992.

Oh, and check this out: (because I am a failure at life I can't get it to embed) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOl4iT46Eec Follow the link, it is well worth it.

The man doesn't say no! Maybe he is not dignifying it with a response because it is so preposterous. But if this has any grain of truth to it, if the man has ever called a woman that before in his life, he not only cannot be president because he obviously doesn't value or respect women, he deserves a SWIFT KICK IN THE PANTS. Someone better get to the bottom of this VERY soon, because this is one angry voter who wants answers.

Curious Gorge

On Saturday I had to take the ORELA in pdx. Instead of whining about how it will make me miss Super Saturday and my Alma Mater's graduation, I decided to make a weekend of it. So after three hours of "if you're not a complete idiot choose a" I headed east into the sunshine on I-84 to Hood River. If you haven't been to the Columbia River Gorge, it is spectacular:

(photo copyright Craig Wolf)

What is more spectacular is that I was blessed enough to spend a little time with one of my favorite friends:

That is Miss Fabulous and I in Meteora, Greece. I just met her this year, but the experiences we shared brought us so much closer to each other than either of us could have guessed. Around her I am 100% the person I want to be. I guess one of the hallmarks of true friendship is the ease in which you can be around each other. I don't have to hide any of my weird traits and I know I can always be completely honest. While I was in Hood River we spent a lot of time in the car, exploring the scenery and searching for waterfalls, which led to some very insightful conversations about friendship and relationships.

We decided that we are catches! We are smart, beautiful, kind, and exciting girls. Any guy would be lucky to have us! Then we thought, well then, why don't they? (Have us, that is.) Then we came to the conclusion that as much as we think we want to be in a relationship, we do have fairly high standards and value our independence too much to give it up to just anyone.

For example: Today at The Job I was manning the men's fragrance counter because the person who normally does went home for the evening.

Enter: Costumer Who Thinks He's Really Funny. CWTHRF wants a gift set of Polo Black. I look for said gift set and can't find it (my intelligence is constantly humbled at The Job. While I may rock at Jeopardy I don't know shit about shoe polish.) He really wants a gift set so he starts smelling other fragrances. Instead of spraying them on the blotters, like every other normal human being, he spray's them on the corner of the display gift sets. This is the conversation that follows:

Me: Would you like a blotter? I think I have a few back here...
CWTHRF: Haha no thanks, I just like making your boxes smell.
Me: (laughs)
CWRHRF: What does this Ed Hardy one smell like?
Me: Why don't you hand it to me and I can spray a little for you. It's better to let them settle a little while on the paper, you get a better idea of the true smell that way.

(While passing the bottle over the counter, CWTHRF unexpectedly playfully sprays the adorable sales associate in the face)

Me: Did you just spray that on me?
CWTHRF: Haha I'm sorry, I just had to.
Me (laughs it off, playing it cool): Haha yeah, I'm sure you did. (obviously not as offended as I should be) I can honestly say that I have never been spray on by a customer before.
CWTHRF: I'm honored to be your first.

Customer Who Thinks He's Really Funny continues to joke with me while I finish the transaction. Had he not f-ing SPRAYED ME WITH MEN'S COLOGNE I would have thought he was a pleasant young man. Wait until you hear the worst part: I don't even make commission on fragrances.

God's little reminder to keep your eyes open, because not all men are worth it.

Other than that I had a great day at The Job. An old man referred to my co-worker as a "tall glass of water." That Tall Glass of Water is also an adorable red head. Who smiled at me and made me think, maybe this one will appreciate my cologne story. I sure would like to see that smile more.

Monday

For an insight into my life (because I know how desperately you want one) I will list the most exciting parts of my day.

-Went to gym. Best part of my day hands down. Today my workout was kind of lame, but when it isn't, I feel great.
-Cute Barista smiled at me.

oh yeah and I bought candy.

Not that I am complaining. It's just your averge Monday for a working girl. I have been tring to be more positive and I think it's working. I no longer think of myself as the sad pathetic lonely lost cause. Because I'm talking more to God. Also, I am isolated because I made myself that way. So I look forward to Cute Barista's smiles, I mean.. why not?

My Sister's Keeper

Jodi Picoult broke my heart, and I think she meant too. My Sister's Keeper is the torturous story of a family torn apart by Kate's vicious cancer. Her younger sister, Anna, was conceived to be a perfect donor for Kate, a role which defines her for the rest of her life. The oldest sibling, Jesse, is lost in the background of Kate's more pressing medical needs, and their parents do whatever they can, all they know how to do. They love their children, but sometimes it isn't enough.

I wonder if this book is this powerful for other people too. I would assume it is.

Kate's mom could really easily be my own mother. Kathleen my own doner. Although my recovery was much faster and easier than Kate's, the passages about her chemo and her mother's heartbreak hit a little too close to home.

Sometimes I forget that my cancer is a part of my identity. I don't ever think about it, I have no tangible memory of it. But my family remembers. I forget that. I asked my mom about it today, "On that day for about ten years it was really hard. But its not so much now."

I can't imagine my eternally strong mother knocked powerless by the last news she ever expected to hear at my 8 month well-baby exam. I can't picture Kathleen, just 6, wishing she could take care of her baby sister. (Which, for the record, she has done an incredible job of in my ensuing years. Making sure I stay sane in middle school, coming home from college to see my plays in high school, nagging me about cigarettes when I thought I was cool and European, etc.) I can't picture my Dad, who has done everything possible in the world for me, idle in a hospital waiting room.

This part of my life is not something we talk about very often in my family. I was raised as normal as is normal. Nevertheless I am obviously affected on some deep level of my subconscious that I don't really feel necessary to understand.

Sometime I wonder if being "One-Kidney-Cate" will affect my chances of having a baby. I asked my doctor this once, at age 13. I didn't fully understand the consequences of the question until it came out of my mouth and it suddenly scared the breath right out of my lungs. But Dr. Mason to the rescue again! Nothing to worry about there.

But I still worry. All I want in the world is to be a mother.

Today it took reading about a cancer patient to finally fully realize that that's what I was. My Nephrectomy and Chemo scars are more than just party quirks. They are a part of me, physically, spiritually, and philosophically.

Dearest Lord (and Kathleen) I promise never to even look at a cigarette again, to always pile on sunscreen, and do everything in my power to keep my body healthy. Because, Jesus Cate! At any moment you may not be!

Purpose

"It's that little flame that lights a fire under your ass." -Princeton, Avenue Q.

Hello blog world, my name is Cate and I have an interesting perspective to share with you. I am young and I seek knowledge like it's alcohol on a Friday night. I am a failure in many things, successful in few. I constantly struggle against my ever shifting paradigm. I am always learning.

And I like to document. I like to muse.

Let's not get started too quickly, basics are essential here.

I am the daughter of Mike and Sharon of Nebraska and Tennessee, respectively. I was born in Olympia, Washington until a little thing called college swept me away to a far away land called Portland, Oregon. Before then I never left Olympia for longer than 2 weeks, but I dreamed of seeing "the world" (back when I thought seeing was all that was necessary). In lieu of applying to American University of Paris I was promised the chance to study abroad in college. And that's just what I did. Last year I spent 8 wonderful months in Salzburg, Austria with incredible people, taking home priceless experiences and umpteen stolen coasters. So now I'm back home, repaying my debt to humanity by endless hours of tedious folding and bs-ing my way through The Job. I'm trying to be positive about it.

I am addicted to many things. Let's start with: Diet Coke, mom blogs, Big Love, being happy, dance, having a religious crisis, the German language, inappropriate racial jokes, hippies, and reading. I am proud to say that cigarettes is not on the list! Personal Victory #1!

I never score decisively in personality tests. Somehow I always end up abstract/concrete random. Well, they got the random part right.

Until last week I was an Ed major, and friends will tell you that explains a lot about me. Now my main focus is History and German, with a minor in Education.

Every time I hear a foreign language all forces within me want to immediately understand and speak it. Except, I had no desire to learn Hungarian. Just too weird. Someday I will learn German, French, Spanish, Latin, and Greek, but I would be ok if only got three of those, as long as I threw in 'learn how to drive a stick shift' for good measure.

I converted to Catholicism at 16 and search for God everywhere. He is usually in the same spot and I have just ended up running in circles. Not unlike at The Job, holding that one shirt for hours, running around the department not having a clue where to hang it, setting it down and seeing the rack directly in from of my face. If God were a snake, he would have bit me. [insert current religious crisis here, if we knew each other better]

I hope to amuse you with my little thoughts and remarks and also to learn from you, the wider blogging world. Because you have a few years on me, and obviously an abundance of time.

Oh yes, the title?

sh-lahg-ober-s

Just a cool sounding German (or more accurately, Austrian) word.