My Sister's Keeper

Jodi Picoult broke my heart, and I think she meant too. My Sister's Keeper is the torturous story of a family torn apart by Kate's vicious cancer. Her younger sister, Anna, was conceived to be a perfect donor for Kate, a role which defines her for the rest of her life. The oldest sibling, Jesse, is lost in the background of Kate's more pressing medical needs, and their parents do whatever they can, all they know how to do. They love their children, but sometimes it isn't enough.

I wonder if this book is this powerful for other people too. I would assume it is.

Kate's mom could really easily be my own mother. Kathleen my own doner. Although my recovery was much faster and easier than Kate's, the passages about her chemo and her mother's heartbreak hit a little too close to home.

Sometimes I forget that my cancer is a part of my identity. I don't ever think about it, I have no tangible memory of it. But my family remembers. I forget that. I asked my mom about it today, "On that day for about ten years it was really hard. But its not so much now."

I can't imagine my eternally strong mother knocked powerless by the last news she ever expected to hear at my 8 month well-baby exam. I can't picture Kathleen, just 6, wishing she could take care of her baby sister. (Which, for the record, she has done an incredible job of in my ensuing years. Making sure I stay sane in middle school, coming home from college to see my plays in high school, nagging me about cigarettes when I thought I was cool and European, etc.) I can't picture my Dad, who has done everything possible in the world for me, idle in a hospital waiting room.

This part of my life is not something we talk about very often in my family. I was raised as normal as is normal. Nevertheless I am obviously affected on some deep level of my subconscious that I don't really feel necessary to understand.

Sometime I wonder if being "One-Kidney-Cate" will affect my chances of having a baby. I asked my doctor this once, at age 13. I didn't fully understand the consequences of the question until it came out of my mouth and it suddenly scared the breath right out of my lungs. But Dr. Mason to the rescue again! Nothing to worry about there.

But I still worry. All I want in the world is to be a mother.

Today it took reading about a cancer patient to finally fully realize that that's what I was. My Nephrectomy and Chemo scars are more than just party quirks. They are a part of me, physically, spiritually, and philosophically.

Dearest Lord (and Kathleen) I promise never to even look at a cigarette again, to always pile on sunscreen, and do everything in my power to keep my body healthy. Because, Jesus Cate! At any moment you may not be!